We are going to disagree with people. With our friends, our families, our coworkers, our partners, and sometimes complete strangers. We have different experiences, values, personalities, and ways of seeing the world. Expecting everyone around us to think exactly as we do would make life easier in some ways, but probably a lot less interesting.
The problem isn’t disagreement itself, but how quickly disagreement can make us forget the person on the other side of it.
We’ve all experienced conversations where the goal slowly changes. We stop trying to understand and start trying to win. We listen just enough to prepare our response. We make assumptions about someone based on a single opinion. Sometimes we even walk away knowing exactly what they said, but understanding very little about why they said it.
But there is another way to disagree. It begins with curiosity. Instead of immediately thinking, “How can this person believe that?” we can ask, “What experiences might have led them to see it this way?” We don’t have to agree with the answer. Understanding someone and agreeing with them are two different things.
Listening helps too. Real listening means giving someone enough space to explain themselves without mentally preparing our next argument. It means asking questions because we actually want to know the answer. Sometimes, after listening, our opinion will remain exactly the same. That’s okay. The purpose of every conversation doesn’t have to be changing someone’s mind.
Kindness also doesn’t require us to avoid difficult conversations or pretend that every idea is equally good. We can challenge something we believe is wrong. We can set boundaries. We can say no. We can stand firmly behind what matters to us while still choosing how we treat the person in front of us. And that distinction matters.
When we reduce people to their opinions, disagreements become much easier to turn into divisions. But every person we meet is more complicated than the one thing we happen to disagree about. They have people they love, experiences that shaped them, fears we don’t know about, things they are still learning, and probably a few opinions that have changed over the years. Just like us.
Maybe a kinder disagreement doesn’t end with someone saying, “You were right.” Maybe it ends with two people still seeing things differently but understanding each other a little better. Maybe it ends with respect. Maybe it simply ends without anyone feeling smaller because of the conversation.
We don’t have to agree on everything to treat each other with kindness. And in a world where disagreement can become division so quickly, remembering that might be one of the simplest ways to protect our shared humanity.
Here's a small challenge
The next time you disagree with someone, try asking one more question before giving your response. Listen carefully so you can really understand where they’re coming from, even if your opinion doesn’t change.
